The life of a cancer mom consists of so much waiting…. We sit in waiting rooms and then go back to dr rooms to wait. I guess every every parent has to go through that wait when they take their child to the dr office, or urgent care, or the emergency room.
We also have to wait for scan time, wait for results, wait for procedures to be done, wait for our baby to wake from anesthesia, wait for blood counts to come up, wait for radiation levels to drop, wait for nurses to come assist, wait for the schedulers to call with your schedule, wait for the dr or nurse to call with answers. The waiting game is OUR job.
We do our best to pass the time. That is the easy part. Keeping our mind off the situation at hand or letting it not affect us “on the outside” is the hard part. The part of not knowing what is coming next. The inability to make plans beyond a certain day, because you really just don’t know what the plan is. Those are the hard parts.
We have known that my daughter’s neuroblastoma has returned since Jan 21st. Since then, we have waited for tests, phone calls, results, treatment, doctors, appointments… so much waiting.
I understand the growth process of cancer cells at a very basic level. I know that cancer cells will grow and thrive at the cost of any and all cells around it and in association with the organism the cancer cells are feeding on. I know that the cells will continue to feed and thrive and grow and replicate and do their best to take over my daughter’s body. I want to get started on treatment LAST WEEK. I know that what started as the good news of the cancer cells seeming to be isolated to her forearm, under the same arm and very few in her bone marrow, may very well become a lot worse VERY QUICKLY. I would rather not play with time. Especially when it comes to my child. Which is why she has been on CBD for over a week now, as well as working on changing her to a more raw and fruit and vegetable and natural diet. Really for all of us as a family.
Needless to say, it has been so nerve wrecking to wait for test results. We had to wait for biopsy results and scan results. Now… we are snowed in and has to reschedule her port placement, so you know what that means… wait for a phone call from the schedulers.
Once we know when the surgery will be, we will wait for the apt day to come. We will wait for our name to be called. We will wait for the anesthesiologist. We will wait for the nurse to take us back. We will wait for the procedure to be over. We will wait for My’isha to be wake enough to take her home. Then we will wait for her treatments to start.
It is hard, because I am not the only person waiting. There are a lot of people who love My’isha and want to know what is going on with her. It is hard to tell people I don’t know and that I am still waiting. I have been dealing with depression and ptsd for almost a year now. I have a hard time answering the phone and talking to people as it is, so when the calls and texts and questions increase, I have to do my best to remain the same old smiley mommy I have been. I have to be positive. I feel bad when I have to give short answers or I miss calls or texts or messages. Kind of…..
People need to understand that so much of my life is spent waiting, and if they feel like they have been waiting a long time since an update, than just imagine how long the time that has passed seems to me. She is my daughter after all. I only have to give an much info as I want. Yet I feel people drilling into our lives and wanting to know more. It is a catch because I welcome the help and prayers and kind words, but it gets hard to keep up with the updates and pictures and videos.
It is nice to know I am not the only one waiting for answers, but I wish I could focus my energy into something else other than keeping everyone updated. I do my best, and I hope people can understand that the life of a cancer mom is not easy no matter the circumstances. The pure knowledge of knowing what is happening to your child is exhausting in itself. It is even more exhausting to share the pain with the world.
I am so thankful for my mom. She has helped me so much with keeping everyone updated. I just want to enjoy my daughter as much as possible.
I will do my best to keep everyone up to date, I just hope no one takes offense to my shortness when the answer is a simple, “I don’t know” or “I am waiting…”
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